Couples therapy
“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most love is lost”
In my approach to couples therapy, I draw on existential principles and differentiation to help partners deepen their understanding of themselves, each other, and the relationship they are creating together. One of the greatest challenges in relationships is that we often do not hear what our partner is truly saying. Instead, we interpret their words through the lens of our own experiences, wounds, fears, and expectations.
Therapy creates a space to slow these interactions down and explore what is happening beneath the surface. Together, we examine how each partner experiences the relationship, what meanings they attach to events and interactions, and how these interpretations shape the way they respond to one another. This process helps couples communicate more authentically and move beyond recurring misunderstandings.
A central aspect of my work is helping partners remain emotionally connected whilst maintaining a clear sense of themselves. Rather than becoming consumed by blame, defensiveness, or the need to change the other person, therapy encourages each partner to reflect on their own reactions, values, choices, and responsibilities within the relationship.
A significant part of my work focuses on infidelity, betrayal trauma and the process of rebuilding trust. Affairs often create a deep rupture, not only in the relationship, but in each partner's sense of reality, safety, and identity. I do not approach infidelity as something to be quickly repaired. Instead, I work with couples to understand what has happened in a careful and grounded way.
This includes creating space for the injured partner to express the full impact of the betrayal, while also supporting the partner who has been unfaithful to engage with responsibility in a meaningful and sustained way. This is not about blame or defensiveness, but about developing a clear understanding of the consequences of their actions and what it takes to begin restoring trust.
We also explore the wider context of the relationship. This is not about justifying the affair, but about understanding the relational patterns, unmet needs, and dynamics that were present before it. From there, the couple can begin to make a conscious decision about whether they want to rebuild the relationship and what that would realistically require. Rebuilding trust is not about returning to how things were. It involves creating a relationship that is more honest, more explicit, and more intentional.
I am also interested in the deeper questions that relationships often bring to the surface: questions about meaning, values, intimacy, commitment, identity, and the kind of life we want to build together. Therapy provides a space to explore these questions whilst helping couples develop a shared sense of direction.
Ultimately, my aim is to help couples recognise what is working in the relationship and build on those strengths, whilst addressing the areas that feel stuck or painful. This approach allows couples to develop a more flexible and realistic understanding of their relationship and make conscious choices about how they want to move forward.
My main work is with couples, particularly around communication, infidelity, and neurodiverse relationships, including ADHD.
I work flexibly with couples, offering long-term therapy for deeper work, short-term therapy for more focused concerns, and Single Session Therapy (SST) for couples seeking clarity around a specific issue. I also offer six-hour couples intensives, which provide the equivalent of approximately six therapy sessions in a single extended session. This format allows us to explore relationship difficulties in greater depth and can be particularly beneficial when addressing complex issues such as infidelity or major relationship decisions.
Infidelity is one of the most destabilising experiences a couple can go through. It tends to bring a profound sense of shock, loss and disorientation that reaches beyond the relationship itself, into each partner's sense of reality, identity and meaning.
In a first session with a couple, I always ask for their history before I want to know their complaint. How did they meet? What was going on for each of them at that point in their lives? What attracted them to each other? This gives me a sense about why they (often unconsciously) chose each other. This tends to reveal a great deal about the level and nature of a couple’s dysfunction, because people very often choose partners unconsciously, drawn to someone who will enable their own defence mechanisms, and who is operating at a similar level of differentiation to their own. We don’t choose partners at random. We sometimes choose people who leave our defences undisturbed, exactly where we think we need them to stay.
I recently re-read an extract from The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment, particularly the section describing children from narcissistic families as becoming reactive and reflective. The authors describe how a child raised in this environment often learns that their primary task is to meet parental needs rather than develop trust in their own feelings, perceptions, and inner world.
When couples arrive for therapy following an affair, one of the most striking dynamics I see is the disagreement over whether an affair has actually occurred. One partner feels devastated by what they perceive as a fundamental betrayal, whilst the other insists that "nothing really happened" or that their actions "don't count" as infidelity.
The discovery of infidelity can shatter the foundation of a relationship, leaving both partners struggling with questions about trust, meaning, and identity. As a therapist, I've witnessed how this crisis can either lead to relationship dissolution or, sometimes surprisingly, become a catalyst for deeper connection and renewed commitment between partners. From an existential perspective, infidelity extends beyond the act of betrayal—it confronts us with questions about our existence and relationships. When infidelity occurs, both partners are forced to confront several existential realities.
When two people build a life together, they encounter questions that touch the very core of human existence. What does it mean to truly connect with another person while remaining yourself? Who am I in relation to you? What meaning do we create together? How do we maintain our individuality while building a shared life? How do you create shared meaning while honouring individual dreams? What happens when the initial excitement fades, and you're faced with the reality of choosing each other day after day?
ADHD can have a profound impact on romantic relationships, affecting communication, daily functioning, and emotional dynamics. When one or both partners have ADHD, misunderstandings can easily arise. Forgetfulness, procrastination, and avoidance can sometimes be misinterpreted as a lack of care, when in reality, they are symptoms of ADHD-related executive dysfunction. Learning to depersonalise these behaviours and develop mutual understanding is crucial for maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship.