Notes on Existential Psychotherapy IV: The Existential Approach to Couples Therapy

When two people build a life together, they encounter questions that touch the very core of human existence. What does it mean to truly connect with another person while remaining yourself? Who am I in relation to you? What meaning do we create together? How do we maintain our individuality while building a shared life? How do you create shared meaning while honouring individual dreams? What happens when the initial excitement fades, and you're faced with the reality of choosing each other day after day?

Existential couples therapy addresses these questions by looking beyond superficial conflicts to explore the deeper dimensions of your relationship. Rather than focusing solely on communication techniques or problem-solving strategies, this approach helps you discover what truly matters in your life together.

The Existential Foundation of Relationships

At the core of existential philosophy lies the understanding that we are inherently relational beings. We define ourselves through our connections with others, yet simultaneously strive for autonomy and self-definition. This paradox creates a natural tension in relationships – the desire for closeness alongside the need for personal freedom.

Couples often come to therapy when this balance has been disrupted. One partner may feel their identity has been subsumed by the relationship, while the other might experience a sense of disconnection or abandonment. Some couples find themselves living parallel lives, technically together but existentially separate, having lost sight of what gives their union purpose and meaning.

Beyond Communication Skills: The Heart of Connection

Many couples come to therapy believing their main issue is poor communication. "If only we could talk to each other better," they say, "everything would improve." While communication skills certainly matter, existential therapy recognises that the most eloquent conversations won't help if couples haven't addressed the fundamental questions about their relationship's meaning and purpose.

Consider a couple, let's call them Maria and James, who argued constantly about housework. In therapy, we discovered their conflict wasn't really about dirty dishes or laundry. For Maria, James's reluctance to help around the house felt like evidence he didn't value her time and contributions. For James, Maria's constant reminders felt like proof he could never be good enough. Their surface conflict masked deeper questions: Do you see me? Do you value what I bring to our life together? Can I trust that you're fully committed to our partnership?

When couples address these underlying concerns directly, communication often naturally improves. The conversation shifts from "You never help with housework" to "I need to feel that we're equal partners, and I'm not sure how to create that with you."

Confronting Relationship Anxieties

Existential anxiety manifests uniquely in relationships. The fear of truly being seen, the vulnerability of genuine intimacy, and the recognition of our partner's ultimate separateness – these realities touch upon our deepest existential concerns about isolation, meaning, and mortality.

When couples try to escape these anxieties, they frequently develop protective behaviours that offer short-term security but ultimately weaken the genuine connection between them. One partner might become controlling to manage the uncertainty of trusting another person. Another might withdraw emotionally to protect against potential rejection. Many couples create distractions—through work, social activities, children, or conflict itself—that keep them from facing the quiet moments where deeper questions might emerge.

In existential couples therapy, we explore these patterns with compassion, understanding them as natural responses to the vulnerability of intimacy. With awareness, you can begin to recognise when you're acting from anxiety rather than choice, creating space for new ways of being together.

The Four Dimensions of Relational Existence

Existential couples therapy explores the relationship through four key dimensions:

The Physical Dimension examines how couples embody their relationship. How do they experience sensuality and sexuality? How do they navigate the aging process together? How do they create a shared physical space that reflects their values? Physical connection often becomes symbolic of deeper emotional bonds, and when addressed directly, can open doorways to more profound intimacy.

The Social Dimension looks at how the couple positions themselves in the broader world. How do they navigate relationships with family, friends, and community? What social roles do they adopt, and how do these roles support or constrain their relationship? Many conflicts arise not from the couple themselves but from the pressures and expectations they face from their social environment.

The Personal Dimension focuses on the unique identity of each partner and the relationship itself. How does each person maintain their authentic self within the relationship? How do they create a relationship identity that honors both individuals? This dimension explores the delicate balance between togetherness and separateness that all couples must navigate.

The Spiritual Dimension addresses the meanings and values that give the relationship purpose. What larger purpose does the relationship serve? What values guide their decisions? How do they create meaning together in the face of life's unpredictability? When couples connect through shared meaning, they build resilience against life's inevitable challenges.

Cultivating Authentic Relationships

Authentic relationships require partners to confront several existential realities:

The reality of choice and responsibility. Existential philosophy emphasizes that we continuously make choices that define our existence. In authentic relationships, partners recognize that they actively choose each other not just once but every day. They take responsibility for these choices rather than positioning themselves as passive victims of circumstance. When difficulties arise, authentically engaged couples ask, "How are we choosing to respond to this challenge?" rather than "Why is this happening to us?"

The reality of limitation and finitude. All relationships exist within the constraints of time, biology, and circumstance. Authentic couples acknowledge these limitations rather than living in denial or fantasy. They recognize that neither they nor their relationship will ever be perfect, that time together is precious and limited, and that certain incompatibilities may never be resolved. This acceptance paradoxically creates freedom – the freedom to appreciate what is rather than constantly striving for what cannot be.

The reality of ultimate separateness. Even in the closest relationships, we remain fundamentally separate beings with our own experiences, perceptions, and inner worlds that can never be fully shared. Authentic relationships honor this separateness rather than attempting to merge identities or demand complete understanding. Partners recognize that the space between them is not a failure of connection but the very ground that makes genuine connection possible.

The reality of uncertainty. No matter how stable a relationship appears, uncertainty remains an inescapable part of human existence. Jobs change, health fluctuates, unexpected challenges arise. Authentic couples don't seek illusory security through rigid rules or expectations but develop the resilience to face uncertainty together. They build trust not on promises that everything will remain the same but on the commitment to navigate change together.

In practice, relational authenticity manifests as couples who can show themselves fully without pretense or performance, express needs and desires directly rather than through manipulation or hint, acknowledge difficult emotions like jealousy, disappointment, or fear without blame, take ownership of their projections and expectations, remain present during conflict rather than withdrawing or attacking, honor the mystery and unknowability of their partner rather than reducing them to a fixed image, create relationship agreements based on shared values rather than social conventions, and move through life transitions with flexibility rather than rigid resistance.

Importantly, authenticity doesn't mean constant disclosure of every thought or feeling. Rather, it involves discernment about what expressions serve the relationship and what simply unburdening oneself at the partner's expense. It means being truthful about significant matters while maintaining boundaries that support both individual and relational wellbeing.

Authentic Togetherness: More Than Just Honesty

"Just be yourself" sounds like simple advice, but creating authenticity in relationships requires courage and skill. From an existential perspective, authentic relationships emerge when both partners can acknowledge the full complexity of being together—embracing both the joy of connection and the challenge of remaining separate individuals.

This means recognising that your relationship exists in reality, not in an idealised fantasy. Real love involves accepting limitations—your own, your partner's, and your relationship's. It means acknowledging that neither person can fulfil all the other's needs, that some differences may never be resolved, and that uncertainty remains an inescapable part of life together.

Yet within these realities, couples discover genuine freedom. When you stop expecting perfection, you can appreciate what actually exists between you. When you recognize your partner's separateness, you can value their presence as a gift rather than an obligation. When you acknowledge that no relationship offers complete security, you can find peace in authentic connection rather than false guarantees.

I have worked with many couples that come to therapy feeling they had lost their connection. Both had focused intensely on being "good" partners—one partner may be good by providing financial stability and the other by creating a perfect home. Yet neither feels truly seen or known by the other. Their relationship seems happy from the outside, objectively successful but subjectively empty.

Through our work together, these couples begin to risk showing parts of themselves they had kept hidden—maybe one's uncertainty about their career path, or one's desire for creative expression. Through our work, these objectively successful but subjectively empty couples may discover that they could handle each other's full humanity, not just the carefully curated versions they had been presenting. Their relationship can become less perfect but more alive. When we are so concerned about being a good wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend, we may lose the deep connection. Is there a good enough, and what does it look like? And who sets the standards?

Exploring Shared Values in Existential Couples Therapy

Existential therapy places significant emphasis on helping people examine their core values, both individually and as they align within a couple. When two people come together, they bring their own unique set of values that may harmonize beautifully in some areas while creating tension in others. Do your values fundamentally contradict each other? Where do they clash in daily life? Are both partners willing to compromise, and what happens when compromise feels impossible?

Since values naturally evolve over time, existential therapy explores whether the relationship has adapted to accommodate both partners' growth, or if one person has been silently compromising more than the other. When we live in ways that conflict with our deepest values, we experience existential anxiety and fall into patterns of inauthentic living—going through the motions while feeling disconnected from our true selves.

Existential couples therapy creates a space where partners can honestly explore whether and how they might align their values to create a more authentic connection. This exploration often reveals surprising possibilities: sometimes couples discover shared values beneath apparent conflicts, other times they find creative ways to honor different values within one relationship, and occasionally they realize that their divergent values require fundamental changes in how they structure their lives together.

Creating Authentic Connection

Existential therapy doesn't offer prescriptive solutions or standardised techniques. Instead, it creates a space for authentic encounter between partners. In this approach, the therapist doesn't position themselves as an expert on relationships but rather facilitates a deeper exploration of what it means for this particular couple to be together.

Through this process, couples often discover that their conflicts aren't simply about surface issues like money, household chores, or time management. These daily frictions frequently mask deeper existential concerns: Am I truly valued? Do I matter to you? Can I be fully myself in this relationship? Will you stay with me through life's uncertainties?

Bringing these underlying questions into awareness allows couples to address what's truly at stake in their conflicts. When partners can acknowledge their existential vulnerabilities – the fear of rejection, the anxiety about dependence, the concern about losing oneself – they create possibilities for profound connection that technical communication skills alone cannot achieve.

The Courage to Choose Each Other

Perhaps the most powerful insight from existential couples therapy is the recognition that lasting relationships require ongoing choice. In a world that offers endless options and celebrates individual fulfilment, committing to one person means accepting certain limitations. Yet within this apparent constraint lies a profound freedom – the freedom to create depth rather than breadth, to know and be known in ways that only time and dedication allow.

Existential couples therapy helps partners recognize that each day, they choose each other anew. This choice isn't based on romantic illusions or social obligations but on a clear-eyed acceptance of both the gifts and challenges of the relationship. When difficulties arise, as they inevitably will, the question becomes not "Is this the right relationship?" but rather "How will we choose to face this challenge together?"

This perspective shifts couples from passive consumers of relationship experiences to active creators of their shared reality. It acknowledges that loving another person isn't always easy, but it offers possibilities for meaning and growth that cannot be found elsewhere.

The Therapeutic Journey Together

For couples engaged in existential therapy, the process itself models the authentic relating they hope to create. The therapy room becomes a space where partners can speak truths they've been afraid to voice, explore aspects of themselves they've kept hidden, and experiment with new ways of being together.

This journey asks for courage from both partners. It means facing uncomfortable truths about yourselves and your relationship. It means acknowledging disappointments and unfulfilled expectations. It means recognising that some problems don't have perfect solutions but can be carried together with greater understanding.

Yet couples who engage in this deeper work often discover a more profound connection than they initially imagined possible. They move from relationships based on social expectations or unconscious patterns to partnerships chosen with awareness and intention. They discover that difficulties, when faced together, can actually strengthen rather than weaken their bond.

Beyond Techniques to Transformation

Existential couples therapy doesn't offer quick fixes or communication formulas. The existential approach recognises that meaningful change emerges not from techniques but from transformation – a fundamental shift in how partners understand themselves, each other, and their relationship.

This transformation begins with awareness. As couples become more conscious of the existential dimensions of their relationship, they can make choices aligned with their deepest values rather than reacting from fear or habit. They can create meaning together that transcends the inevitable challenges they face. And they can build a relationship that serves not just their own needs but contributes something meaningful to the world around them.

In a culture that often views relationships through the lens of personal satisfaction, existential couples therapy offers a broader vision. It suggests that our most intimate connections can be vehicles not just for happiness but for meaning, growth, and authentic living. Through the courage to truly see and be seen by another person, we discover not just the depths of relationship but the heights of our own humanity.