Narcissistic Abuse
How I Work with Narcissistic Abuse
If you've been looking for a therapist who truly "gets it" for a long time, you're not alone.
Perhaps people around you don't seem to understand what you're going through.
You may feel deeply confused, unsure if what you're experiencing is real or something you've made up.
You might wonder if you are the problem or if something in you is fundamentally broken.
Perhaps you feel you'll never be able to trust your own sense of reality again or find the strength to get over or get out of your relationship.
I want you to know that I understand these struggles, and they are common responses to narcissistic abuse.
Understanding the Scope of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can occur in various relationships, including those with partners, parents, siblings, or friends. It can also be found in different settings such as institutional (e.g., medical) or spiritual (e.g. cultic systems) contexts, and even in the workplace. This type of abuse is deeply traumatising and confusing, often eroding a person's sense of identity and reality.
The patterns of narcissistic abuse are very consistent across these different contexts. Whether it's a partner who constantly criticises you while presenting a charming face to the world, a parent who makes you feel like you're never good enough, a workplace superior who takes credit for your work while blaming you for failures, or a spiritual leader who demands absolute devotion while exempting themselves from the rules they impose on others.
In all these contexts, the abuse typically includes patterns of devaluation, manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional exploitation. You might experience cycles of idealisation and devaluation, where you're placed on a pedestal one moment and cruelly criticised the next. Over time, these experiences create profound confusion about your worth, your perceptions, and even your sanity. The narcissist's reality gradually replaces your own, leaving you questioning your most basic understandings of yourself and the world around you.
What makes narcissistic abuse particularly insidious is that it often occurs behind closed doors or in subtle ways that others might not recognise as abuse. The narcissist may present a completely different face to the outside world, leaving you feeling isolated in your experience and doubting your own perceptions.
Rebuilding Your Reality
When people have experienced narcissistic abuse, they often arrive at therapy feeling deeply confused about who they are, what they feel and what is real. They might believe there is something fundamentally wrong with them that needs fixing, especially if this abuse began in childhood. Their confidence in their own reality has been systematically eroded.
If you have or are experiencing all these, together we will work to untangle this confusion. Through psychoeducation, exploration and gentle challenge, we will work towards gradually helping you reclaim your own sense of reality. This process will enable you to ground yourself in your own truth rather than the distorted version imposed by your abuser.
Validating Your Experience
Psychotherapy offers a safe, compassionate, and non-judgmental space where we will focus on validating and making sense of your experiences.
The most profound trauma of narcissistic abuse lies in the systematic undermining of your faith in your own reality. When someone consistently denies, twists, or invalidates your experiences, you begin to doubt not just specific memories or perceptions, but your very capacity to make sense of the world. This leaves you in a state of constant confusion and vulnerability.
In our sessions, I will encourage you to approach your experiences with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment and confusion. Many survivors have internalised the narcissist's critical voice, treating their own thoughts and feelings with the same dismissal and derision they experienced from their abuser. Together, we'll practice noticing these patterns and developing a gentler, more accepting relationship with your internal world.
Our therapeutic space will be a space where you can safely confront the distorted reality imposed by the narcissist. Here, your perceptions will be taken seriously, your emotions honoured, and your experiences validated. Through this consistent affirmation, you can gradually rebuild faith in your own sense of self and reality.
I find that working with the body in the here and now can be particularly powerful in this process. Narcissistic abuse often disconnects you from your physical sensations and emotional responses as a survival strategy. Your body often knows the truth even when your mind has been convinced otherwise.
Restoring Meaning Making
Existential therapy centres on the concept that we must each discover what makes our lives meaningful. For victims of narcissistic abuse, this capacity is often severely compromised by manipulation, gaslighting, and the resulting self-doubt.
Our work involves deconstructing the false realities imposed by the narcissist and rebuilding your own sense of purpose. Only when you begin to trust yourself again can you explore what truly gives your life meaning and pursue an authentic existence aligned with your values.
Working Relationally
My approach is inherently relational. Rather than solely looking inward to find answers or attempting to "fix" you, we will examine the world and relationships around you. Understanding your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours within the context of these relationships is crucial.
Sometimes healing involves recognising that no matter how hard you try, your efforts have no impact on a relationship. This realisation can initially feel powerless, bringing a sense of loss and grief we must acknowledge and process. However, understanding that their dissatisfaction stems not from your inadequacy but from their inability to see you as a complete person can be profoundly liberating.
Challenging the "Broken" Narrative
The feeling that you are somehow broken is a common symptom of narcissistic relationships. You have likely tried everything to change yourself, yet the relationship remained toxic. The truth is that your "abnormal" responses are normal reactions to abnormal situations. It is entirely expected to feel needy and insecure when your environment is unsafe, or paranoid when living in constant confusion.
Being psychosocial and relational, my approach places you within the wider world and its complex systems, rather than viewing you as an isolated individual who must adapt to problematic environments. I will gently encourage you identify to change what you can and grieve what you cannot. This balance between empowerment and acceptance is essential for healing. You need both the courage to transform aspects of your life that are within your control and the wisdom to acknowledge and mourn those that are not
Empowerment Through Responsibility
Additionally, we will work towards empowering you to take control of your life after the abuse. Empowerment is crucial for breaking free from the abuser's control and reclaiming your autonomy.
A key aspect of my existential approach involves encouraging you to reclaim responsibility for your life and choices. In narcissistic relationships, the abuser heavily influences your reality and decision-making, diminishing your sense of autonomy.
Breaking free from this pattern means taking back responsibility for your own reality. While this process can provoke anxiety, it is also deeply empowering, enabling you to live authentically according to your own values rather than seeking approval or avoiding disapproval.
Creating Safety in Therapy
Our therapeutic relationship provides a safe haven where you feel genuinely understood and validated. Working with someone who truly comprehends the confusion and challenges of narcissistic dynamics creates space for authentic exploration.
Within this non-judgmental therapeutic relationship, you can experiment with new ways of being, express your needs, validate your feelings, and share thoughts without fear. Just as relationships can traumatise, I believe they can also heal.
Through our work together, you will gradually define not only who you are now but who you want to become. The existential focus on meaning-making, relational understanding, and personal responsibility offers a powerful pathway to reclaiming your life after narcissistic abuse.
