After Infidelity: An Existential Approach to Couples Therapy
The discovery of infidelity can shatter the foundation of a relationship, leaving both partners struggling with questions about trust, meaning, and identity. As a therapist, I've witnessed how this crisis can either lead to relationship dissolution or, sometimes surprisingly, become a catalyst for deeper connection and renewed commitment between partners.
Understanding Infidelity Through an Existential Lens
From an existential perspective, infidelity extends beyond the act of betrayal—it confronts us with questions about our existence and relationships. When infidelity occurs, both partners are forced to confront several existential realities:
The illusion of certainty
One of the most profound existential challenges revealed by infidelity is confronting the limits of certainty in our lives. Before the discovery, the betrayed partner often operated under what philosophers call the "natural attitude"—the taken-for-granted assumption that our reality is stable and predictable. Infidelity shatters this assumption, revealing that we can never fully know another person's inner world or predict their actions with absolute certainty.
This confrontation with uncertainty extends beyond the relationship itself. Many betrayed partners report that the discovery undermined their trust not just in their partner, but in their own judgment and perception of reality. "If I was wrong about this," they wonder, "what else might I be wrong about?" The ground beneath their feet suddenly feels unstable.
For the partner who engaged in infidelity, there is often a parallel confrontation with uncertainty. The compartmentalization that allowed the affair suddenly collapses, and they must face the unpredictable consequences of their actions—both for their partner and for their own identity and future.
Existential therapy doesn't try to restore the illusion of certainty but instead helps both partners develop what philosopher Martin Heidegger called "authentic existence"—the courage to embrace life's fundamental uncertainty while still making meaningful commitments. This uncomfortable truth—that we can never have absolute certainty in relationships or in life itself—becomes not just a source of anxiety but potentially a doorway to a more genuine way of being together.
Freedom and responsibility
Existential philosophy places profound emphasis on human freedom and the responsibility that inevitably accompanies it. The partner who engaged in infidelity exercised their freedom to choose, highlighting the existential truth that we are all free agents capable of making choices that align with or violate our commitments.
This freedom can be uncomfortable to acknowledge—both for the person who had the affair and the betrayed partner. The person who engaged in infidelity often wants to diminish their freedom by attributing their actions to circumstances ("I was unhappy," "I felt neglected," "It just happened"). Meanwhile, the betrayed partner may struggle with recognizing their partner's fundamental freedom, preferring to believe their partner was somehow compelled or that external factors were solely to blame.
In my therapy practice, I create space for couples to confront this uncomfortable freedom. The person who had the affair must acknowledge that they made choices at multiple decision points—choices they were free not to make. This isn't about inducing shame but about fostering authentic responsibility-taking, which is essential for rebuilding trust.
Simultaneously, both partners must take responsibility for their choices moving forward. The betrayed partner faces the profound freedom of choosing whether to remain in the relationship, while the partner who had the affair faces the freedom to choose genuine commitment to rebuilding or to leave with honesty. Both must also take responsibility for their roles in creating the relationship dynamics that existed before the infidelity, without suggesting these dynamics caused or justified the betrayal.
This existential perspective on freedom and responsibility offers a middle path between two unhelpful extremes: completely absolving the unfaithful partner of responsibility or reducing them entirely to their transgression. By acknowledging freedom and responsibility, couples can move beyond simplistic narratives of villain and victim toward a more nuanced understanding that honors both the real harm done and the potential for authentic choice and change.
Meaning and purpose
Infidelity often precipitates an existential crisis around meaning and purpose within the relationship. Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed that humans are fundamentally driven by a "will to meaning"—we need to feel our lives and relationships have purpose to thrive.
Before discovery, both partners may have operated with unexamined assumptions about what gave their relationship meaning. Perhaps it was raising children, building financial security, or simply the comfort of companionship. Infidelity forces a confrontation with these assumed purposes. The betrayed partner may question everything: "Was anything real? What was this relationship actually about? Has everything been a lie?" Meanwhile, the partner who engaged in infidelity may have already been experiencing a crisis of meaning, with the affair representing a misguided attempt to find purpose or significance outside the relationship.
In therapy, couples face deep questions: What meaning did this relationship hold before? What meaning might it hold now? Is there a shared purpose worth rebuilding for? Viktor Frankl suggested that meaning can be found even in suffering when we choose our attitude toward it. For some couples, working through infidelity becomes a meaningful journey in itself—one that leads to greater authenticity and depth than existed before.
Some discover their relationship had been operating on autopilot, with social expectations or practical considerations replacing genuine purpose. Others realize they had been living according to values and meanings imposed from outside rather than chosen authentically. The painful questioning that infidelity triggers can, paradoxically, open space for more deliberate meaning-making and purposeful connection if both partners are willing to engage in this difficult work.
Existential isolation
The experience of infidelity brings the reality of existential isolation into sharp relief. As described by existential philosophers like Irvin Yalom, existential isolation refers to the unbridgeable gap between individuals—the fact that no matter how close we feel to another person, we remain fundamentally separate consciousnesses.
For the betrayed partner, this isolation manifests as a particularly acute form of suffering. Even when surrounded by supportive friends and family, they often report that "no one really understands." There is truth to this: the complex tapestry of betrayal, loss, love, anger, and grief is uniquely theirs. The specific meanings the relationship held, the particular trust that was broken, the private moments now called into question—these cannot be fully communicated to others. This isolation can be as painful as the betrayal itself.
Meanwhile, the partner who engaged in infidelity often experienced their own form of existential isolation before or during the affair. Some describe feeling profoundly alone within the relationship despite physical proximity—unseen, unheard, or misunderstood. The affair may have represented a misguided attempt to escape this isolation, to feel connected and alive through new intimacy. Yet this temporary escape usually deepens their isolation in the aftermath, as they face not only their partner's pain but often rejection from shared social circles and the burden of being cast as "the betrayer."
Paradoxically, when couples find the courage to communicate honestly about these experiences of isolation, it can create unexpected moments of genuine connection. In the therapy room, I sometimes witness a meaningful meeting between two wounded people as they recognize each other's fundamental aloneness. This doesn't erase the harm done, but it can foster compassion and a new kind of intimacy based on shared vulnerability rather than illusions of complete merging.
Some couples emerge from this process with a healthier relationship to existential isolation—one that respects separateness while still nurturing deep connection. They learn that authentic togetherness doesn't require denying our ultimate aloneness but rather creating bridges of understanding across it, bridges that must be rebuilt each day through presence, empathy, and chosen commitment.
In my Southeast London therapy practice, I create space for both individuals and couples to explore these existential dimensions rather than focusing exclusively on the behavioural aspects of infidelity.
Individual Therapy: Processing Infidelity Alone
Sometimes, individual therapy provides the necessary foundation before couples work can begin—or it may be the only option if one partner is unwilling to participate in therapy or the relationship has ended.
For the Betrayed Partner
Individual therapy offers a safe space to process the complex emotions that follow discovery of infidelity:
Working through trauma
The discovery of infidelity can be genuinely traumatic, triggering symptoms similar to PTSD. In my Southeast London practice, I help clients process this trauma with approaches that honour their existential struggles.
Rebuilding identity
Many betrayed partners question their own identity and worth. Existential therapy helps explore questions like "Who am I in light of this experience?" and "How do I create meaning from this suffering?"
Making choices from freedom, not fear
Whether to remain in the relationship or leave is a profound choice. Existential therapy helps clients make this decision from a place of authentic freedom rather than fear or obligation.
For the Partner Who Engaged in Infidelity
Individual therapy provides space to explore motivations and take responsibility:
Confronting authenticity
What does the infidelity reveal about unacknowledged needs, desires, or values? Existential therapy encourages honest self-examination without judgment.
Understanding choices
Rather than attributing infidelity to external factors ("it just happened"), existential therapy encourages taking responsibility for choices and understanding their deeper meaning.
Facing shame constructively
Overwhelming shame can prevent genuine accountability. Therapy helps transform destructive shame into constructive responsibility-taking.
Couples Therapy: Rebuilding Together
When both partners choose to work on the relationship, couples therapy offers a structured environment for healing:
Creating safety for authentic dialogue
Before meaningful conversation can occur, there must be sufficient safety. In my Southeast London therapy room, I help couples establish parameters that allow for honest exchange without further damage.
Moving beyond the 'why' to the 'what now'
While understanding contributing factors matters, existential therapy encourages couples to focus on what meaning they want to create together moving forward.
Renegotiating the relationship contract
Infidelity often reveals unexamined assumptions about the relationship. Couples therapy provides space to explicitly discuss expectations, boundaries, and commitments.
Finding meaning in suffering
Existential therapy recognises that suffering can be transformative when approached with courage. Some couples discover that working through infidelity leads to greater authenticity and deeper connection than they previously experienced.
The Possibility of Post-Traumatic Growth
Existential therapy recognises that out of life's most painful experiences can come significant growth. Some couples who navigate infidelity report experiencing aspects of post-traumatic growth:
Greater appreciation for life and relationships
The threat of losing the relationship often leads to greater gratitude for what remains or what can be rebuilt.
Enhanced personal strength
Working through infidelity requires considerable courage and resilience, qualities that benefit individuals regardless of the relationship outcome.
Deeper connections
Many couples report more authentic communication and emotional intimacy after working through infidelity.
New possibilities
The disruption of infidelity sometimes opens space for new relationship patterns and possibilities that weren't visible before.
Spiritual and existential development
Confronting betrayal often leads to deeper questioning about meaning, purpose, and values.
The Value of Professional Support
Navigating infidelity is one of the most challenging experiences couples face. Without skilled therapeutic support, many couples become stuck in cycles of blame, shame, and unprocessed trauma.
Existential therapy offers a compassionate approach that honours the depth of this crisis while creating space for meaningful healing and transformation. Whether working individually or as a couple, therapy provides a structured environment to process the pain of infidelity while exploring possibilities for growth and renewed meaning.
If you're struggling with infidelity—whether as an individual or couple—please know that support is available. While the journey isn't easy, many find that working through this crisis with professional guidance leads to greater self-understanding and either healthier relationships in the future or a transformed relationship with their current partner.
Taking the Next Step
Whether you're seeking individual therapy or couples therapy in Southeast London or online, the existential approach offers a depth-oriented path through the crisis of infidelity. Rather than offering simplistic solutions or formulaic approaches, existential therapy honours the complexity of human relationships while creating space for authentic healing and meaningful growth.
The most important step is often the first one—reaching out for support. With courage and the right therapeutic approach, it is possible to navigate even this most painful of relationship experiences in a way that leads to greater authenticity and meaning.
