Creating Ourselves: An Existential Take on Identity

“People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates.”
— Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973)

We often hear the phrase "finding yourself" as if identity is a treasure buried somewhere inside us, waiting to be discovered. Thomas Szasz reminds us that this is not the case. Instead, identity is something we actively shape through our choices and actions.

This perspective resonates with existential philosophy, particularly Sartre's claim that existence precedes essence. In other words, we are not born with a fixed, predetermined self. We come into the world first, and only later define who we are through how we live.

In therapy, this shift in perspective is powerful. Rather than digging for a hidden "true self," existential therapy invites us to recognise our freedom to create ourselves within the real conditions of our lives. Clients often begin therapy feeling trapped by their past or defined by painful circumstances. Existential work helps them see the past differently, not as a blueprint, but as raw material for self-creation.

The Weight of Choice in Daily Life

This existential understanding of identity creation plays out in the seemingly mundane moments of our daily lives. Every interaction with a partner, every response to a challenge at work, every decision about how to spend our time becomes an act of self-definition. For couples I work with, this can be transformative. Rather than being trapped by patterns established early in their relationship, they begin to see each conversation as an opportunity to choose who they want to be together. The argument that felt inevitable becomes a moment of choice; the distance that seemed permanent becomes something they can actively reshape through conscious engagement with one another.

Beyond the Narrative of Victimhood

This perspective is particularly powerful when working with clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse or other forms of trauma. Whilst we never minimise the reality of what someone has endured, existential therapy helps us move beyond the limiting narrative of permanent victimhood. Yes, terrible things may have happened, and yes, they have shaped us. But they do not have to define us indefinitely. In the therapeutic space, we explore how even the most painful experiences can become part of a larger story of resilience and self-determination. This isn't about toxic positivity or rushing towards forgiveness but about reclaiming agency over one's own narrative and recognising that whilst we cannot change what happened to us, we retain the profound freedom to decide what it means and how it shapes who we become.

Freedom is not always comfortable. Kierkegaard called this the "dizziness of freedom," the anxiety that comes with realising we are responsible for our own lives. Yet within this dizziness lies possibility. When we embrace responsibility, we also open the door to meaning, growth, and transformation.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often see how this idea can be both unsettling and liberating for clients. Some come into therapy with a sense that they have lost themselves, or that they are searching for a part of themselves that feels missing. Together, we explore the idea that identity is not something hidden to be uncovered, but something that can be shaped and reshaped in light of the choices they make today.

Existential therapy does not ignore the past. It honours it. But instead of treating it as an unchangeable script, we explore how your past experiences can be reinterpreted and integrated into the life you want to create now. In this way, the past becomes a resource rather than a prison, and you can begin to craft a future that feels authentic and meaningful.

Existential therapy offers a space to explore these questions with honesty and courage. It shifts the process of therapy from archaeology, digging up a supposed hidden self, to artistry, consciously crafting a life of depth and authenticity.

If you are curious about exploring these ideas further, I offer existential therapy in Blackheath, London, where I work with individuals and couples who want to reflect more deeply on who they are and the lives they are creating.