Reclaiming Reality: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Through Existential Therapy

Victims of narcissistic abuse often grapple with issues related to identity, autonomy, self-worth, and a distorted sense of self and reality. The existential approach to therapy is particularly effective in addressing these challenges because it fosters a deep, reflective exploration of the self and one’s place in the world.

Narcissistic abuse significantly erodes a victim's sense of self and reality. Those affected typically come to therapy feeling confused, believing that they are at fault, and thinking there is something wrong with them that needs fixing. This self-doubt can be even more entrenched if the abuse began in childhood. As victims’ sense of self-worth and reality become heavily dependent on the narcissist, they often start therapy with very little confidence in their own sense of reality and self.

Healing our meaning making capacity

We all need to make sense of our reality to navigate life effectively, but clients affected by narcissistic abuse often come to therapy feeling overwhelmed and confused about their sense of self and reality. Therapy plays a crucial role in helping these individuals untangle the web of confusion and guiding them to understand what has happened to them. Through psychoeducation and compassion, therapy helps clients gradually reclaim their own reality, grounding themselves in a truth that is authentic to them, rather than one distorted by the abuser.

Existential therapy centres around the concept of meaning making. This approach posits that life inherently lacks meaning, and it is up to each individual to discover what makes their life worth living. Only once we define what makes our lives worth living can we then lead an authentic life.

For victims of narcissistic abuse, the ability to find personal meaning is often severely compromised by the abuser’s manipulation, gaslighting, and the resulting self-doubt and erosion of reality. Gradually, they can deconstruct the false realities imposed by the narcissist and begin rebuilding their own sense of self and purpose.

Only when we fully ground ourselves in our own sense of self and reality, and start trusting ourselves again, can we begin to explore what truly makes life meaningful.

A Relational Approach

The existential approach is inherently relational, meaning it doesn't only look inward to find answers or attempt to "fix" the individual but also examines the world around them. Understanding thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in the context of relationships is crucial. Healing sometimes involves changing oneself, but it often requires recognizing the need for boundaries and understanding that the problem lies not within the individual but in the dynamics they have been subjected to.

The belief that if we change ourselves, the world and others will respond differently, places the "problem" within the individual. For people in narcissistic relationships, this can be extremely confusing. Most have tried everything to change themselves, yet their relationships remain toxic and traumatic. Often, they conclude that something is fundamentally wrong with them and that they are beyond fixing. However, this misconception is often a symptom of being in a narcissistic relationship.

The feeling that we are the ones who are broken is a common symptom of our modern society, which fosters narcissistic structures. In such systems, all responsibility is placed on the individual to fix the problems they encounter, ignoring the strains that these systems place on their lives. I won't delve deeply into narcissistic societal systems here, as it's beyond the scope of this post, but it’s important to note that as individuals, we are shaped by our societal context, and we shape it in turn. Our society mirrors us as much as we mirror it.

Narcissistic-informed therapy recognises that sometimes it's not us who need fixing, and that our "abnormal" or "unhealthy" responses are often normal reactions to abnormal situations and dynamics. It is normal, or expected, to feel needy and insecure when our environment is unsafe. It is also normal or expected to feel paranoid when living in a constant state of confusion, where we are constantly second-guessing our reality.

It can be difficult to fully accept that no matter how hard we try, our efforts have no impact on the relationship. No matter how many things we do for our parent, spouse, or sibling, they will never be pleased with us or show us the appreciation that we so much crave for. This realisation can make us feel powerless, and there is a sense of loss and grief that must be acknowledged and processed in therapy. However, understanding that their dissatisfaction is not due to our inadequacy or defectiveness—but rather because they lack the capacity to see us as a subject and feel appreciation or compassion—can be comforting. It is about letting go of something we cannot change, finding strategies to deal with that loss, and focusing on what we can actually change.

Working relationally also involves examining the relationship the client has with themselves. Often, victims of narcissistic abuse internalise the negative messages of the abuser, leading to self-gaslighting, self-criticism, and self-doubt. Healing in existential therapy involves exposing and challenging these internalised dynamics and developing a healthier relationship with oneself—a process I refer to as learning positive self-parenting skills.

Empowerment through encouraging responsibility

An essential aspect of the existential approach is encouraging clients to take responsibility for their lives and the choices they make, empowering them to become active participants in shaping their own lives.

In narcissistic relationships, the narcissist heavily influences and shapes the victim's reality, way of living, and sense of self. Victims often lose their sense of autonomy, making choices based on the abuser’s approval and avoiding their disapproval or rage. Breaking free from this pattern involves reclaiming responsibility for one’s own reality and choices. While this process can be anxiety-provoking, it is also empowering, enabling victims to live authentically according to their values and desires.

Creating a Safe Therapeutic Space

Narcissistic abuse-informed therapy provides a therapeutic relationship where the client feels understood and validated. You will work with someone who truly understands the difficult dilemmas, confusion, and challenges of leaving narcissistic dynamics, setting boundaries, and offers a non-judgmental space for exploring your experiences and choices. This therapeutic relationship aims to be a safe haven where clients can experiment with new ways of being, voice their needs and wants, validate their feelings, and express their thoughts without fear of judgment or disapproval. Just as we are traumatised by relationships, I believe we can also be healed by them.

Through this safe and supportive environment, clients can gradually define not only who they are but also who they want to become and how to achieve that. The existential approach’s focus on meaning-making, relational understanding, and personal responsibility makes it a powerful tool in helping survivors of narcissistic abuse reclaim their lives and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and self-worth.