Family dynamics when one parent has strong Narcissistic Traits

In families where one parent displays narcissistic traits, relationships can become deeply imbalanced. Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves, expecting them to fulfill their unmet needs or reflect their ideal image.

The parenting style of the covert parent:

Covert narcissistic parents often exhibit subtle and manipulative behaviours, masking their self-centeredness under a guise of vulnerability or sacrifice. Unlike overt narcissists, who are outwardly domineering, covert narcissists express control through guilt, passive-aggressiveness, and emotional withdrawal. They may appear overly modest or sensitive while still centering their needs in family dynamics.

These parents frequently place unrealistic emotional demands on their children, using them to fulfil their unmet needs for validation or achievement. The parent may shift between victimhood and subtle emotional manipulation, leaving children feeling confused, guilty, and responsible for their parent's happiness.

This dynamic can create long-term struggles for children, such as low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and challenges setting boundaries.

The parenting style of the overt parent:

Overt narcissistic parents are characterised by their domineering, attention-seeking, and often grandiose behaviour. They typically view their children as extensions of themselves, expecting admiration, obedience, and accomplishments that reflect positively on them. Their parenting is marked by control, entitlement, and a lack of empathy, making their children feel unseen and undervalued as individuals.

Overt narcissists may openly criticize, belittle, or dismiss their children, creating an environment of fear or inadequacy. This often fosters low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies in their children, who may constantly strive for validation that never fully comes.

These parents tend to exhibit clear favouritism, often designating roles like the “golden child” or the “scapegoat,” which fuels sibling rivalry and fractures family dynamics. Therapy can support children in recognizing these patterns and rebuilding their sense of self-worth.

This dynamic frequently leads to roles such as:

The Golden Child: Often idealized and pressured to excel.

The golden child is the designated "favourite" in a family with a narcissistic parent, often held up as the standard of success or perfection. This child is idealized and used to validate the narcissistic parent's image. The parent may project their own unfulfilled dreams and desires onto the golden child, expecting them to excel academically, socially, or in other areas, regardless of the child's own interests or limits.

While the golden child may receive praise and preferential treatment, this role comes with immense pressure. They are often burdened with the responsibility of maintaining the family's facade of success and perfection, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or anxiety when they inevitably fall short of the parent’s unrealistic expectations.

Additionally, the golden child may develop a sense of superiority over siblings, like the "scapegoat," creating tension and rivalry within the family. Over time, the golden child may struggle with a lack of personal identity, as their value has always been tied to their performance and ability to meet the narcissistic parent's needs.

The Black Sheep: Blamed for family issues or marginalised.

The "black sheep," or scapegoat, is often the target of blame and criticism within a family with a narcissistic parent. Unlike the golden child, the black sheep is seen as the source of the family’s problems and is frequently demeaned or dismissed. This dynamic is not based on the scapegoat’s behaviour or character but rather reflects the narcissistic parent's need to deflect attention away from their own flaws.

The black sheep often challenges the family system, either by questioning the narcissistic parent's behaviour or by failing to conform to their expectations. This resistance can make them a target for the parent's anger or frustration, which is projected onto them as a way to avoid accountability.

Emotionally, being the black sheep can lead to feelings of rejection, low self-esteem, and isolation. However, the scapegoat often develops a stronger sense of self-awareness and resilience than other family members. They may also be the first to seek therapy, break free from the family’s toxic patterns, and establish healthier relationships.

Support from a therapist can help scapegoats rebuild their confidence, validate their experiences, and navigate the complexities of detaching from harmful family dynamics.

The Enabling Parent: May reinforce the narcissist's behaviour to avoid conflict.

The enabling parent often acts as a passive accomplice to the narcissistic parent, consciously or unconsciously reinforcing their behaviour. This parent may downplay or ignore the narcissist's emotional abuse, defend their actions, or even blame the children for any family conflict. Their role is shaped by fear of confrontation, a desire to maintain harmony, or their own emotional dependency on the narcissist.

While the enabling parent might feel torn or sympathetic toward the children, they fail to protect them from harm. This lack of intervention can lead the children to feel betrayed and unsupported, intensifying feelings of isolation.

Over time, the enabling parent’s actions (or inaction) perpetuate the dysfunctional family dynamics, leaving children to navigate the emotional fallout on their own. Therapy can help individuals process their experiences with an enabling parent, set boundaries, and develop a healthier perspective on familial roles.

These dynamics leave everyone feeling emotionally strained. Children may struggle with identity and self-worth, the enabling parent often feels overwhelmed, and the black sheep experiences rejection.

How These Roles Interact

The interactions between these family roles create a complex and often toxic environment. The golden child and the scapegoat may find themselves in direct conflict, with the golden child siding with the narcissistic parent and reinforcing their judgments of the scapegoat. Meanwhile, the enabling parent may attempt to mediate but ultimately fails to challenge the narcissistic parent's control.

These dynamics leave everyone feeling emotionally strained. The golden child struggles with perfectionism and the pressure to uphold the family's idealized image. The scapegoat bears the brunt of blame and may feel isolated but is also more likely to break free. The enabling parent remains stuck in their cycle of avoidance, further deepening the dysfunction.

Additionally, children may grow to resent the enabling parent, straining their relationship. The enabling parent may feel confused and perceive this resentment as unfair, believing they have done everything possible to keep the family together. Meanwhile, the children, unaware of how their roles were unconsciously shaped by the narcissistic parent, may also develop resentment toward each other. This fosters a sense of distance, loneliness, and misunderstanding among family members.

Often, individuals within the family are unaware of how their roles have been determined by these complex dynamics, leading to misinterpretations of each other's actions and intentions. Recognizing these patterns is essential for breaking free from dysfunctional interactions and fostering healthier relationships.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be a powerful tool for breaking these patterns and promoting healing within the family system. Here’s how it can help:

• For the Golden Child: Therapy can help them separate their self-worth from their achievements and develop a sense of identity beyond the family’s expectations. They can learn to set boundaries with the narcissistic parent and recognize their own needs.

• For the Scapegoat: Therapy provides a validating space where they can process feelings of rejection and trauma. It helps them rebuild self-esteem and learn to establish healthy relationships outside the family.

• For the Enabling Parent: Therapy can help them understand their role in perpetuating dysfunction and encourage them to develop the strength to challenge harmful behaviours. They can also learn how to provide genuine support for their children.

• For the Family as a Whole: Family therapy, if all members are willing to engage, can help navigate difficult conversations, set healthier boundaries, and restructure the power dynamics that have caused harm.

Recognizing these roles and their impacts is the first step toward healing. Whether through individual or family therapy, breaking free from these patterns can lead to healthier, more authentic relationships and personal growth.